Existential Gathering Gloom

My gloomy state of mind is sort of coming and going. Being off sick makes you think too much.

I've spent a lot of time this weekend thinking. Mia is having a sleepover at our friend Ali's place. The kids are away as they are every holiday down at their mum's place. I've been mulling things over.

There's very few things in my life I regret. There's more good than bad. But what I hate most is the stuff I can do nothing about...

Ok don't really want to talk about stuff, but sometimes bad things go on behind closed doors. In the past I've been hurt and betrayed by loved ones, and friends and in-law relations just sort of stood about like they didn't want to get involved, like it was a private matter and taking one person's word for it wasn't enough to stick their necks out. I guess there was lots of stuff they didn't know about, so not entirely their fault. But nobody helped, even when I directly asked for it. And it's pointless raking that over now because too much oily spilled milk has drifted under the bridge. I do tell people about it all of course but it's more in the way of an anecdote. A funny thing happened to me on the way to the asylum.

If I could change the past I would, but I can't. And that's what I mean. I can't do anything about it and sometimes it really bothers me. I tell you what though it has made me a lot closer to my family recently. The only people I didn't ask for help from in the dark times were my own family. Stupid right? My mum and my sis especially who have come through for me recently in a big way. I can't possibly pay back all the favours they've done me and love they've given.

I was kind of a proud self-sufficient young adult, never asked for any help from anyone. I had to be literally unconscious from fatigue or grief or hunger before I would accept any assistance. So it was hard to ask but I'm glad I did.

But the dark times still come to haunt me sometimes, when I spend lots of time alone and unable to move about much. Like being off sick for 5 weeks or so. Oh and I'm sure that there are more dark times just ahead, I know it, but at least now I'm also sure there are some people in my life I can count on for support. That helps.

If there's a lesson here it is this: find out who your supporters are and cling to them like a rat. Oh and make sure the support is sometimes two-way or you will BE a rat.

:)