So long and thanks for all the fish

Once again I find myself here at the end of a year and not as many blog posts as I would have wished. It's been a very odd year, and I felt it was time to do a summary of what's gone before.

We moved from the old place in Oakfield, as you probably know, and it was knocked down to make way for some starter homes. That was earlier in the year and they still haven't started building them yet.

We moved to our new place in town, Waterloo, by the market. It's a great house, a trifle too expensive at £775 pcm but for the quality of life it gives us it's worth the extra £100 a month it costs us to live here. Plus there really ain't that much worth moving to in these parts, I kid you not. More about being broke in a minute though.

Biggest change is back in the beginning of the year Mia and I agreed we would separate, she going back to Finland and me staying here. It's in no way an acrimonious split, being based mainly on the fact that we've finally been honest that we want different things, and really love and respect is not enough when you have different missions in life. All her stuff moved out in September and she followed on November 1st.

I have to admit for the last few months we were in a kind of stasis. I for one didn't really think much beyond getting her to the airport, and what happened after that was not very much on my mind. Now I'm in it and it's much weirder than I would have thought. She was a part of my life, and a good part, for 6 years. And now we talk infrequently, and she has her own life over there in Helsinki. I'm left with a kind of empty feeling which I know would be easy to try and fill, but I know it's best to let it go for a while. I'll miss her a lot, and I know she misses me too. Thanks for everything, baby, sorry it didn't work out. xxx

Fireworks night came and went and we had a BUNCH of fun for about £10. Hati and Teddy went to their Expo sci-fi convention, and I went with (pictures on my facebook page) and we started the long road down to Christmas...

Which is where I have fetched up. I'm broke again. I got paid on the 25th of November and today, the 3rd December, I'm flat broke. Now I don't know if you know what that means in my terms, but basically I have no money. I have no savings, no credit (tiny amount on an emergency credit card but that's it), no borrowing options at all. The kids and I have to live on air till the 19th December when I assume I will get paid again. Between now and then I have to find money for electricity, council tax, phone bill, insurance etc. I can't pay any of those things. If I have to pay them out of next month's salary I won't be able to pay them again next month.

Where did all the money go? Bank charges. I get overdrawn for a few days, then for each transaction that goes through it's £35 in charges. Only up to three a day but that's potentially £105 per day if I'm not really careful. I'm not very careful and sometimes I can't keep track. (I have brain troule I lose focus on things sometimes. Sounds like a silly excuse but it's true. Look up ADHD in your medical dictionary.) So, this keeps happening, and I asked the Halifax if I can increase my overdraft because the bank charges are killing me. They refused, of course they did. Why would they not. I can imagine them pointing to a newspaper saying "credit crunch". Horse shit. I and millions like me are keeping them afloat.

I'm being killed by bank charges again and this time there's nothing I can do. I already borrowed from friends and family beyond what is reasonable. literally for the want of £500 extra on my overdraft I'm going to be driven into more and more debt till I end up losing the house and my job.

Oh my job... I drive back and forth to Bristol every day, which is hard on a car, you know? My steering rack is loose and the transmission is going and there is no way in hell I can get it replaced. So I'll be carless probably sooner rather than later. Which means I'll be jobless. If I can't turn up for work every day I'll lose my job. Unless I live in my office during the week. None of the options are attractive.

And you can forget Christmas. I can't afford to pay my electricity bill let alone buy the kids what they might want for Christmas, or food. Not even a damn tree.

On the bright side I had a good run. I've survived for literally years on no money, with the good grace of my mum and others who've employed me I've kept the wolf from the door for 7 years since my marriage breakup and the following tsunami of financial woes, and that's something. But now I feel his breath on my neck and I'm just waiting for him to strike.

OKAY already I know this is a big rant, or has developed into one, but I feel the need to vent. I'm not a bad person. I'm not stupid, or talentless or evil. But I seem to be constantly blown by the winds onto any stray rocks which lurk beneath the seemingly still surface of my life, and it has been happening literally for YEARS. No rest for the wicked, but none for the eccentric either it seems. I can't remember the last time I was contented, secure, happy. I've had good times, sure, but when have I ever been without worries? Almost never since my ex first got ill and my life went to shit. It's been a ride, lovely good times and times which have melted my heart, and other times which make you question if there is any justice in the universe, one which allows such cruelty to those who least deserve it. Okay I'm done.

Before my Internet gets cut off I'd like to say thanks to everyone who's helped me, and look forward to seeing you in happier times.

god bless

Phil
xxx